Laura baking
Rediscovering baking has helped my mental health (Picture: Laura Abernethy)

This time last year, I would often wake up in the morning with my heart thudding. At some point in the day, my chest would inevitably tighten and I’d fight to breathe.

These daily panic attacks left me feeling lightheaded, with a moist stickiness covering my hands and sometimes tears streaming down my face, as I struggled to cope.

But then I found something to help battle these feelings and keep myself calm – baking.

Instead of sweat, my hands would be caked in bread dough and, for a few hours, thoughts that had once seemed so overwhelming would start to subside.

Of course, baking didn’t cure my panic attacks – therapy and medication had a huge part to play in that – but it did give me space and a sense of control that helped me process the things I needed to.

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It’s something Bake Off winner John Waite has spoken openly about, when talking about how he deals with his depression. In a recent survey of 5,000 people, baking was revealed to be the most popular hobby to help mental wellbeing.

Irish wheaten bread to remind me of home (Picture: Laura Abernethy)

As a child growing up in Ireland, I’d always cooked with my grandma and my mum. But once I’d I left home for university, my hobby ended up being relegated to free time in the holidays, when I could make use of my mum’s larger kitchen. 

I knew back then that baking made me feel much calmer, but as time went by and my life got busier, I forgot that feeling.

While I’ve lived with anxiety for as long as I can remember, I started having regular and serious panic attacks about 18 months ago after I moved to London and my mental health spiralled. I lost a lot of motivation to really do anything creative.

They usually came out of the blue and could be triggered by something very minor. If I was running late for work, I was sure I was going to get fired. If my landlord text me, I couldn’t open the message because I was sure I was going to get evicted. Not getting a reply to a text message meant a loved one had been in some sort of terrible accident.

My mind would always jump to the absolute worst-case scenario and I quickly lost the ability to cope with any sort of situation.

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Even though I knew what was happening during a panic attack and that eventually it would pass, it didn’t stop them being any less frightening. It meant that I was always just about functioning through my anxiety. I could get to work every day and do the basics of life, but at my worst, days off were spent doing very little because I was so exhausted from the constant buzz of adrenaline flowing through my body.

It was only after I threw my annual St Patrick’s day party in March last year – because I felt like I had to keep up a show that I was ok – that I rediscovered the power of baking.

Doughnut balls (Picture: Laura Abernethy)

I was at a real low point, but after spending a few hours in the day making some traditional wheaten bread for my guests, I felt a sense of calm that I hadn’t experienced in a long while.

Whenever I struggled in the days that followed, I’d crave that feeling again so began to bake more regularly. 

I realised that making bread helped me feel a real sense of achievement when I was in the grip of panic – something to still my mind while I got myself together.

The repetitive kneading of dough was really soothing, like meditation or mindfulness. It gave me time to just focus on putting my energy into this one thing.

Last summer, I started to get a bit more help for my mental health through a change in antidepressants and therapy. It wasn’t easy though, as every week I delved into some pretty deep emotions and talked through things from the past that I had hidden away. 

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After particularly emotional sessions, I’d head to my kitchen and bake to give me a focus without dwelling too much on some of the things we discussed. It gave me a sense of control.

Once, when I knew I wanted to talk about something that had been preying on my mind, I planned it for a session where I needed to bake a three-tier yuzu and lemon cake for a birthday in the afternoon. 

The lemon and yuzu layer cake (Picture: Elliot Davies)

The anticipation of waiting for my cake to rise and worries about whether my icing was thick enough seemed a lot more manageable than the deep and personal things I’d been working through just hours before.

Baking is time I have to myself, but it encourages me to socialise, too. When I cook, I want to share it with friends, especially as I’m type 1 diabetic, so eating a whole lot of my treats isn’t the best idea.  

But I love making things for others and I know it would be a lot easier to flake out if I wasn’t as excited about giving people some of my bread or cakes.

Since rediscovering baking, I’ve also learned that making Irish bread can be a quick sticking plaster if I ever wake up feeling the fear, as it’s easy to make – meaning I can whip something up and have that thrill, even if I’m short on time. 

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It doesn’t surprise me that so many people bake to help their mental health, as afternoons sitting on the floor, simply watching something rise in the oven is sometimes just the self care I need. 

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